| |
| Autor |
Nachricht |
|
| Slayerinc |
 Verfasst am: 09.06.2004, 13:18
|
 |
|
Mod Of The Rotten
Anmeldedatum: 17.12.2003
Beiträge: 1505
Wohnort: München
|
Women's Prayer:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end, and never attempt to hit on my
friend.
Amen.
Men's Prayer:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store.
Amen |
|
|
| Nach oben |
 
|
| Flo_NBK |
| Verfasst am: 09.06.2004, 13:30
|
|
|
Lucifer's Twin
Anmeldedatum: 08.01.2004
Beiträge: 827
Wohnort: LAndsberg
|
der is ja voll krass hab au einen guten Englischen WITZ
an Carcass bitte die Lücken lassen gehört zur Pointe
Und bitte nicht zuvor das Ende anschauen sonst is der ganze spaß weg
Perfect story...
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone
at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,
the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately,
the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and
Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer)
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed
in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and
there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must
have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this
illustrates another point: women never listen either. |
_________________
you're not fucking hardcore, you're not avant garde
you're not punk rock, you're just a fucking retard
you're not something special, you're not something new
you're not fucking good, face it you're a metal band
(ANAL CUNT) |
|
| Nach oben |
|
| Koller |
| Verfasst am: 09.06.2004, 13:31
|
|
|
|
Lucifer's Twin
Anmeldedatum: 11.02.2004
Beiträge: 907
|
Amen!
 saugeil! |
_________________
servus! pfiad di gott! und auf nimmer wiedersehn! |
|
| Nach oben |
|
| Slayerinc |
| Verfasst am: 09.06.2004, 13:37
|
|
|
|
Mod Of The Rotten
Anmeldedatum: 17.12.2003
Beiträge: 1505
Wohnort: München
|
und nochmal der klassiker:
what's the best part about fucking 29 year olds?
there's 20 of them. |
|
|
| Nach oben |
|
| Koller |
| Verfasst am: 09.06.2004, 13:59
|
|
|
|
Lucifer's Twin
Anmeldedatum: 11.02.2004
Beiträge: 907
|
| Immer wider ein BRÜLLER!! |
_________________
servus! pfiad di gott! und auf nimmer wiedersehn! |
|
| Nach oben |
|
| EDC |
| Verfasst am: 09.06.2004, 13:59
|
|
|
Mod Of The Rotten
Anmeldedatum: 03.11.2003
Beiträge: 3480
Wohnort: Augusta Vindelicorum
|
Mal ein etwas längerer:
An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. At least for a while. A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shores of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from, and how did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," the software engineer said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up: nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."
"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware - how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual stratum of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place then," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I couldn't drink another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have made a still - How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the software engineer accepted,and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to have a shower and a shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is absolutely amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, the woman greeted him strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, brushing her leg against his, "We've both been out here for a very long time.You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do for all of these months."
She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing - this was like all of his dreams coming true in one day.
"You mean...," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?" |
_________________
http://www.graphicguestbook.com/ghoul
This is the world
The clock's ticking
Is this this earth? |
|
| Nach oben |
|
| Koller |
| Verfasst am: 09.06.2004, 14:06
|
|
|
|
Lucifer's Twin
Anmeldedatum: 11.02.2004
Beiträge: 907
|
ziemlich geil!!  |
Zuletzt bearbeitet von Koller am 09.06.2004, 14:06, insgesamt einmal bearbeitet
_________________
servus! pfiad di gott! und auf nimmer wiedersehn! |
|
| Nach oben |
|
| Flo_NBK |
| Verfasst am: 09.06.2004, 14:09
|
|
|
|
Lucifer's Twin
Anmeldedatum: 08.01.2004
Beiträge: 827
Wohnort: LAndsberg
|
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always
catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-years-old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. You need all the preservatives you can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair,
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers
to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4... success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12... success is... having friends.
At age 16... success is... having a drivers license.
At age 20... success is... getting married.
At age 35... success is... having money.
At age 50... success is... having money.
At age 60... success is... having sex.
At age 70... success is... having a drivers license.
At age 75... success is... having friends.
At age 80... success is... not peeing in your pants. |
_________________
you're not fucking hardcore, you're not avant garde
you're not punk rock, you're just a fucking retard
you're not something special, you're not something new
you're not fucking good, face it you're a metal band
(ANAL CUNT) |
|
| Nach oben |
|
| Koller |
| Verfasst am: 09.06.2004, 14:17
|
|
|
|
Lucifer's Twin
Anmeldedatum: 11.02.2004
Beiträge: 907
|
Zitat: Original von Koller
ziemlich geil!!
|
_________________
servus! pfiad di gott! und auf nimmer wiedersehn! |
|
| Nach oben |
|
| Slayerinc |
| Verfasst am: 09.06.2004, 14:18
|
|
|
|
Mod Of The Rotten
Anmeldedatum: 17.12.2003
Beiträge: 1505
Wohnort: München
|
A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.
The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.
The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.
“Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.” |
|
|
| Nach oben |
|
| Flo_NBK |
| Verfasst am: 09.06.2004, 14:19
|
|
|
|
Lucifer's Twin
Anmeldedatum: 08.01.2004
Beiträge: 827
Wohnort: LAndsberg
|
Post halt au mal an Witz wobei ich hab noch einen
Things You Do Not Want To Hear While In Surgery
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off!
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean: "he wasn't in for a sex change"...!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! |
_________________
you're not fucking hardcore, you're not avant garde
you're not punk rock, you're just a fucking retard
you're not something special, you're not something new
you're not fucking good, face it you're a metal band
(ANAL CUNT) |
|
| Nach oben |
|
| EDC |
| Verfasst am: 09.06.2004, 14:22
|
|
|
|
Mod Of The Rotten
Anmeldedatum: 03.11.2003
Beiträge: 3480
Wohnort: Augusta Vindelicorum
|
Noch was aus der Abteilung "Einsame Insel"...
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere.
. . .
One Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any... |
_________________
http://www.graphicguestbook.com/ghoul
This is the world
The clock's ticking
Is this this earth? |
|
| Nach oben |
|
| Slayerinc |
| Verfasst am: 09.06.2004, 14:22
|
|
|
|
Mod Of The Rotten
Anmeldedatum: 17.12.2003
Beiträge: 1505
Wohnort: München
|
| These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy " how have things been going ? " The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy " I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r.. i..e..d. The first guy says in amazement "Hey! you don't stutter any more." " y..e..s I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r." The first friend congratulates him on not stuttering anymore and asks why he is no longer engaged to his girlfriend ". "W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that" asks the first friend " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g. h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s s..c..r..o..t..u..m" |
|
|
| Nach oben |
|
| Koller |
| Verfasst am: 09.06.2004, 14:25
|
|
|
|
Lucifer's Twin
Anmeldedatum: 11.02.2004
Beiträge: 907
|
Also das is jetzt das letzte mal dass ich sowas wie "Muahahahaaa is das witzig" oder ähliches poste. Wenn jetzt noch jemand witze postet finde ich sie alle geil. Wenn nicht schreib ichs.
Also, die 4 da oben sind saucool!! |
_________________
servus! pfiad di gott! und auf nimmer wiedersehn! |
|
| Nach oben |
|
| Flo_NBK |
| Verfasst am: 09.06.2004, 15:24
|
|
|
|
Lucifer's Twin
Anmeldedatum: 08.01.2004
Beiträge: 827
Wohnort: LAndsberg
|
noch a paar ganz ganz fiese Sachen
A little different list....
1. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.
2. I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said "Thyroid problem?".
3. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
4. Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea...".
5. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
7. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
8. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
9. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and knotheads.
10. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
13. I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
14. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
15. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
16. No one ever says "It's only a game!", when their team is winning.
17. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
18. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets
are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
21. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
23. "Old" is when the porn movie you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis".
24. The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal
probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
25. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
26. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been." |
_________________
you're not fucking hardcore, you're not avant garde
you're not punk rock, you're just a fucking retard
you're not something special, you're not something new
you're not fucking good, face it you're a metal band
(ANAL CUNT) |
|
| Nach oben |
|
|
|
Alle Zeiten sind GMT + 1 Stunde
|
|
Du kannst Beiträge in dieses Forum schreiben.
Du kannst auf Beiträge in diesem Forum antworten.
Du kannst deine Beiträge in diesem Forum bearbeiten.
Du kannst deine Beiträge in diesem Forum nicht löschen.
Du kannst an Umfragen in diesem Forum nicht mitmachen.
Du kannst keine Kalendereinträge in diesem Forum erstellen
|
|
|
Kalender
